Uh Oh...I Think Your Personality is Showing

I have made mention several times (to friends and family) over the past 5 weeks that I believe I'm destined to only last two years in any given school district before I stop being polite and start getting real. (yes, I stole that line)

You see, on your first year in any new place you are worried about looking nice and friendly, being cooperative, and generally just giving everyone a reason for why they hired you. Especially as a new teacher you take on any project offered up and just really overextend yourself in the name of looking good. I have found that on the second year, everything that bugged you about the first years starts to slip out in dozens of tiny ways. You start to have a little bit more ownership of your classroom and your place within the school, you know people better and are therefor more careless in casual conversation, and sometimes you are just plain tired of some of the rules and procedures that you just can't determine who they're benefiting.

Even I realize that this is starting to make me sound like a nonconformist jerk. Who knows, maybe I am. Truthfully though, I don't dislike my school or my district. In fact, I have nothing but respectful things to say when it comes to trying to make you feel included and supported, and the resources going directly to benefit the children EVERY time just blows my socks off. There is a lot that other districts (waves at my old friends) can learn from this one. So rest assured that this is not all doom and gloom.

But to be a realistic teacher is to know that any system could use improvements and that motivation should constantly be reevaluated. Just as teachers need workshops and inservice days to continually learn and grow, our intentions must grown and change to meet the needs of our students. Because I can't tell you how many times I would have loved to scrap a high-energy, material-rich, content infused lesson for a day of coloring pictures for your grandmother (because that would be SO much easier, and I was tired!)

So, coming back to my point, I've started to say things. And you know, they always come out in the worst possible way when you've been holding them in for far too long.

I guess what I've realized and what I need to work to become a part of, is that no matter where you are and what district you're in, new teachers have valuable insight and so much to offer. That's why they were hired in such a competitive market. So what I would ask for is an environment where teachers felt comfortable sharing in a professional way from the beginning. For me at least, it might have alleviated 4 years of foot-in-mouth moments when I didn't feel like I could or should stir the waters until it was too late and too frustrating to not have ineloquent frustrations explode from my lips.

"We're Going to the Institute."

Institute Day was on Monday. The powers-at-be decided to go the route of "entertain" instead of "bore and annoy." For this I was grateful. They hired a comedian who can be seen on a local news show in our area. She was not only funny, but poignant. She talked about laughter as the best medicine, learning to laugh at yourself, and killing them with kindness. As someone who was way-too-stressed about starting a new school year for reasons-still-to-be-determined, they were lessons that I heartily needed.

Many bad things happened on our institute day. According to the comedian, how could they not, we call it an "INSTITUTE day." She made an unflattering voice meant to indicate that there was something wrong with us (probably not too far off) and said, "Bye honey! I going off to the INSTITUTE." A fair point.

Some good things happened on the institute day too, but they were all done by my own will and hard work, and only to counteract all of the bad that kept creeping up. In fact, I took a page from the comedian's book and spent the afternoon proactively killing them with kindness.

I came to school knowing that I was unprepared and that my heart wasn't in it this year. I also came to school with my game face on and I don't think anyone around me pays close enough attention to think that I was anything other than positive about the impending doom (I mean...joy?). I can't pinpoint for you why I'm not ready to be Suzy-Sunshine this year. I had a whole summer to figure it out and I'm still sitting her stewing about how I'd rather that things turn out and where I'd rather be. But enough of the that.

The point is that I walked into school and disaster after disaster started to strike. Heck, things that could have been prevented if anyone was LISTENING at the end of last year were all of a sudden major issues again. Instead of just sitting in my room and crying, I kept walking out and communicating with people. Even the people who shut me down got some extra visits and some positive problem solving. It was the biggest success of the day that something in me motivated me to keep walking into coworkers room and trying to rectify situations.

The one thing that I kept saying in order to present a positive front was the word "get" instead of the word "have." I asked when I GET to start my reading groups and when we GET to see our revised student lists and whether I would GET to teach my student again who was supposed to be moving at the end of last year. The difference? "When do I HAVE to start up my reading groups? When do I HAVE to look at that awful list full of extra students I didn't plan for? When do I HAVE to find out that I'm teaching that kid again instead of sending him packing and knowing that my workload will be one person lighter?" Even if you're faking it (and I seriously do ADORE that student that came back to me) you start to sound better, and then I think you start to feel better. It's a crazy thing but our mind is very malleable that way.

I guess it comes down to attitude. The bad things that seem to continuously throw us off our game? They're gonna happen! It's how you choose to deal with them that sets the pace for how your year is going to shape up to be.

Tenure...dun dun duhhhh

When thinking about going back to school, I have a horrible time NOT making negative predictions about how things might go. Obviously some of my projections for the future are rooted in past experience, i.e. how it always goes. But some of the crazy stuff that my mind concocts both in dreams and waking hours is just pure nerve-inspired BS.

Or is it?

I was having the dreaded "tenure" conversation with a friend/coworker the other day. The teachers I know personally are all in various stages of the tenure game. Some have been tenured forever and have started to take liberties whenever it moves them. Another of my friends is spending her first year in tenure after successfully completing her first day of the new school year. Another is halfway there. And then there's me. Starting at the bottom. Again.

I tend to be kind of nonchalant about the fact that the illusive concept of tenure won't be gracing my doorstep anytime soon. I mean if I do my job and work hard, what will it matter if I'm not tenured? Right?

Right?

That's just it, the very reason the conversation of tenure is dreaded. The truth is, the climate amongst your peers and administration can be almost suffocating when you are a non-tenured teacher. (I always assumed that some of the tension might ease up once you're not being observed so constantly and your job is not in continual peril, but maybe those of you teachers who are tenured can correct me.) You walk around feeling genuine feelings and carrying genuine opinions and you are TOLD on a consistent basis to shut you mouth, smile pretty, and fly under the radar. And it happens all of the time.

But oh my gosh who is holding the radar gun and why is it so low to the ground that it is almost impossible to fly under?!?! The idea that teachers would be hired to be professionals, the experts in their field, and then told to keep their mouths closed for 4 years (while their great fresh-from-college techniques fly straight out the window and their naive love/excitement for the children slowly burns out) is just insane to me!

Going back to my intro, part of my delusional fear for the upcoming year has to do with that eerie feeling of being watched and judged rather than admired and congratulated. Now I'm not saying I want a parade for every success (ok I secretly do, but I don't expect them or anything). I just want to feel like I can do something unique without peoples' hearts palpitating with worry about innovative/independent ideas that many seem so threatened by. I want to feel like I can fail with an authority figure IN THE ROOM and they'll write it off to a bad day because everyone has them. I know and am fulling accepting of the fact that someone needs to keep me accountable because what I do is vitally important. But after knowing me, watching me, understanding that I live out that comprehension through word and deed, it shouldn't be something that I'm afraid is constantly in question.

Light the Fire

In the summer everything is just one long, "I can do it tomorrow, right?" Well friends, my school is starting a week early this year to match out schedule more closely to local colleges (don't ask me why) which cuts our summer down by...well...one week.

In the grand scheme of things, this won' t matter. To a girl who is realizing that she was going to map out ALL of the 5th grade curriculum PLUS learn and create dynamic lessons (many of which must include technology) for an entirely new social studied curriculum, I could use every last day. (Apparently I'm starting to feel the pressure because there were a lot of capital words in that rather long last sentence.)

I suppose the last sentence isn't even really fair because, well, I haven't been using my days well at all. I actually started the summer strong (leftover momentum from the school year?) creating the outline and table for the year-long picture of how things would ideally shake out for us this year. But now, a month and a half in, there it sits: a simple shell asking to have it's colorful squares filled in with more specific details. And the manuals I brought home to learn the new curriculum so I could actually know something AHEAD of the students this year (instead of learning it with them like I often do), ummm...I believe those actually got rained on at one point when the window was open.

I suppose this isn't actually a very inspired post but, GOOD NEWS #1: I'm writing, which is always a good sign of motivation and GOOD NEWS #2: If you haven't gotten anything done this summer, you're not alone!

Learning Language

I am a huge proponent of putting yourself in your student's shoes on a semi-regular basis so that you can reach them at their level. I have been given just such an experience (on a much less urgent level) this summer.

My lovely and talented significant other serves as a Navy medic and has recently been stationed in Italy for the next three years. Now nobody can predict the future, least of all me (I tried that once...didn't work out), but I got to thinking that three years is a long time. And hey, you never know when you might find yourself in Italy. I made a promise to myself that, while I had some extra time this summer, I would go about the long and strenuous task of learning another language (Italian this time).

Learning a language "for fun" is very different from learning it for necessity (though one could argue that it might become necessary at some point). I know this because I was thrown into a living situation in Mexico after having only studied Spanish for 2 1/2 years at that point and forced to speak in order to survive. That was indeed the sink or swim method and I had the "luxury" of having at least SOME background in the language prior to being immersed in it.

But the way in which my learning Italian challenges me to think like my kids has less to do with survival (and the totally alienating feeling of being in a place where nobody understands you) and much more to do with the way in which language is learned. For me, everything that I've been doing has been an experiment in how language is learned best and how I can take that and translate it into what I do in the classroom with my own bilingual students (in fact, this would be pertinent for any teacher who teaches English, writing, or reading as well).

What I've found will be hard to replicate. The most perfect way of learning language involves repetition, pictures, building up from smaller concepts, and (as I always suspected) using knowledge from your first language. That's right! If people still want to have the same tired English-only argument, I'm in a position now to argue even harder for even longer.

It has always been that the newcomer students I have had who came to the country with a solid education in their native language have BLOWN ME AWAY by the amount of English that they learn in a year's time (with Spanish support, yeah that's right). It is when students have no/little foundation in language at all that the battle is truly uphill. In that case, you might as well through them in head first because they're starting at a pre-school level anyway (but even that is not true, because they still have verbal Spanish and have spent their lives exposed to Spanish text).

As committed as I am to the idea of bilingual education (and I better be, it's my job) I am learning that there are better ways to include the primary language in the classroom that actually stretch a student to use what they know to infer meaning. I'm glad that, even if I never see Italy, my commitment to language will never be in vain when it comes to what I can learn and apply for my students.

We're Learning Too

Sometimes something happens in life that is so big that you can never fully get back the person you were before it happened. In short, the event changes you. If the event is epic enough it can hit you like a tidal wave even from three or four degrees of separation (instead of the ripple you might feel after an event of a smaller magnitude.) It has been said that teachers have to be more flexible and adaptable than most. I don't know if that's true. On my worst days I can be downright rigid and unmovable in my demands (I know, *gasp*) It is probably more apt to say that GOOD teachers are adaptive and flexible when it counts.

Out of so much respect for someone near and dear to me, I won't divulge the epic catastrophe that lead to this post after such a lengthy summer slumber. I will however say that in teaching, just like in life, we are faced with obstacles. Some are insurmountable, whether it be because of an unyielding administrator, a student's home life that we can not control, or a need for resources beyond our grasp. Sometimes the challenge is great and we are so very small. In those times we are in dark days, persevering by rote if nothing else. It is in the days after when we wash back up on shore and are given a chance to rebuild that really count.

The question to ask yourself: What did I learn from it? (or) How can I change? (or) What will I take with me to make myself/the situation better (or the outcome different) in the future?

In short, all of those college professors who annoyed us with their continued demands for "self reflection" were not wrong. But that is only half of the component. Sometimes I am SO in my head about things after they occur and I get a million ideas about "woulda coulda shoulda." But then I sulk in my afterthough and call it a day. The impetous is the call to make a change. Because something inside of you has already changed. You realized that things were not good/right/fair/awesome and that if you had the chance, you would invoke a "do-over." Well friends, after you realize that, you gotta put your chips back on the table and DO OVER. Jump into life again with your new knowledge and wisdom and show everyone you actually learned something.

In summary: Process it however you like. Blog it, tweet it, text it, journal it, verbally rehash it, whatever. Just reflect AND THEN MAKE A CHANGE. Because if you don't learn from it, then all of the pain and heartache that you experienced in your moment of trial was for nothing. And some things are just too big to have occurred in vain.

Teachin' Teach

Teaching is teaching. That's what this summer has taught me above all else.

The dynamics between teaching adults and children are different for sure (have I mentioned that they actually LISTEN and do things the first time you tell them to?) but the major themes/concepts remain the same.

The volunteer program that we've been given to work with this summer is interesting. There are definitely aspects that I will steal to use with my own bilingual students (mostly newcomers) during the regular school year (most of which involve acting things out and having students interview each other to practice new sentence structures). There are other aspects, however, that just make me want to shake my head at the university professor who developed the program.

To summarize, so as not to belabor the unimportant, the first several lessons introduce vocabulary and verbs in the form of commands. The words and actions correspond with picture stories that will not actually be seen by my students until 10 lessons from now. That's right, all of the work and effort that we're putting into learning and teaching this information is completely without context. Now I don't know if anyone is tired of me and my soap box when it comes to this point, but here I go again: LEARNING TAKES PLACE WHEN DIRECTLY RELATED TO REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS THAT STUDENTS HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN. In short, if something has no meaning, it will not be retained.

Something about teaching students who have very pressing real-life issues (like adults tend to) with jobs and children and finances (to say the least) who are willing to still take time out of their schedules to learn something new and difficult REALLY drives the point home. The words "star, coins, fish, gift, and book" do not mean a damn thing without meaningful context with which to use them.

This time, in order to in some way remedy the situation, I took the coins out and extended the lesson, having the students learn and practice the individual names of each coin and their respective denominations. Not only did the students enjoy practicing asking for and handing out money in English, but they talked about how it would make their interactions both personally and at retail establishments so much more comprehensible. And thank heavens, because that was the goal!

The problem comes along when I am inevitably given information the I can't think of how to logically connect to anything substantial. OR, when other volunteers who are extremely well-intentioned but have no teaching background do not think to improvise. I hate the idea of wasting peoples' time when everything in my training tells me that there's a better way to get things done. Crazy teacher mind.