Wayside School is Falling Down

My students were asked to use literacy in some way to decorate our door in a way that represents themselves as a class and our year together. This year they fell in love with the Wayside School series by Louis Sachar and this is what they chose. They came up with the concept and executed all of the artwork. I love it!

“Wayside school is falling down, falling down, falling down,
Wayside school is falling down my fair lady.

Kids go splat as they hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground,
Kids go splat as the hit the ground my fair lady
.
Broken bones and blood and gore, blood and gore, blood and gore,
Broken bones and blood and gore my fair lady.

We don't have to go to school no more, school no more, school no more,
We don't have to go to school no more my fair lady.”
― Louis Sachar, Wayside School Is Falling Down

BD

I have an interesting situation in the classroom this year. It's somewhat unlike any other situation that I've faced thus far in my slightly-more-than-four-years of teaching.

The other day, my students and I were talking and one of them referenced the special ed. classroom in the 5th grade hallway. We talked about how we all have difficulties with some aspect of learning and I thought we would move on from there. Instead, one of my students raised his hand and explained that he used to be in a "classroom like that." After some probing I learned that he had actually been placed in a classroom for students with behavior disorders for several years before he came to our school.

Now I have had many students exhibit signs of behavior disorders, but I could almost always attribute them to another problem that a student was having that manifested itself in part through poor behavior. I don't think I've honestly ever had a student whose actual problem was simply behavior. My student is bright and high functioning, social and has several friends. He is just (very apparently) bent towards bad behavior.

The thing that strikes me the most is that he obviously tries to fight it! This is not a kid who wants to be bad, but he can't honestly seem to help himself. In fact, in our first CARE meeting of the year he talked about what a great influence his dad is (he helps him study and takes him to church) and how his goal this year is to get better grades and be better behaved. He is not currently meeting that goal...but he could be a lot worse than he is. I am pretty sure that what I see is actually the reigned in version of the child.

I love and respect this kid for fighting against his natural inclination. As I watch the internal struggle, I can't help but be inspired. If I only worked half as hard to be better on a daily basis as he seems to, I would probably be doing alright.

A Boring Back to School Post

I feel like I always get more inspired to write about teaching while I am actually in the midst of, well, teaching! I hope that the inspiration sticks because I've actually been missing writing...even when I don't realize that I'm missing it.

The beginning to this school year has been a ROCKY one. Let me just say that I have NO right to complain this year. I am, for the first time in my life, teaching in the same school, in the same classroom, in the same grade, with virtually the same professional team. On top of that, my class is TINY (10 bilingual students) and we are finally back on the 5th grade schedule so the kids even get to socialize with their peers once more!!!

So yeah, anyone reading this is more than welcome to yell at me for having one negative word to say.

That prefaced, I am unbelievably sluggish (and dare I say more than a bit unmotivated) at the beginning of this school year. I should probably go back and read some of my old first-day-of-school posts in order to feel better about myself, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they are full of hope and optimism for the new year and they will just further discourage me.

I'm not sure what it is exactly. The potentially comforting part of it all is that almost every person that I've talked to recently has spouted out almost the exact same sentiments. Am I always this far behind at the beginning of the year? I know that there is a lot more to get done with schedules and paperwork and all that fun stuff, but I feel like that's all I'm doing lately. That's when I like teaching the least, when I feel like I'm "wasting" my time with the administrative stuff when I should really be able to hit the ground running devoting all of my time to coming up with creative instructional tools and interacting with the students.

I attribute part of my sluggishness to the fact that I had foot surgery at the end of last school year. I spent the summer trying to heal and I think I did a pretty good job of it. I graduated physical therapy AND started work with a personal trainer to build the strength back up (yay me!) It isn't a coincidence though that I feel like less of an educator this year in regards to the foot though. I know it needs rest but when I am sitting, I feel like I'm not engaged with the kids and it makes a huge difference.

This isn't a particularly inspiring way to get back into the blogging world, but for now I'll call it a baby step. In fact, every piece of work that I choose to do on my Sunday afternoon instead of going out and socializing will serve as just one more baby step in getting caught up and feeling like I'm truly ready to start the year! Good luck to those of you who are busy doing the exact same thing!

Getting Myself into Trouble

I'm not sure why I have a compulsive need to continue to use the internet as a way of expressing myself. I think it has something to do with the incredible comfort I found three years ago when I found other educators with great ideas and a community that I really felt like I could be a part of. There is perhaps nothing more amazing to share in than a group of people who can talk about what they do in an educated and informed (and often humorous) way!

That said, I signed up for Twitter using the same name that I blog under. This means that it is going to be increasingly difficult to stay off the grid from people in my real-life professional circle. I wish that didn't concern me but I have learned from experience that people can become very threatened when they perceive that they are being exposed in a public way, even when they are not mentioned by name and that the intent of the blog at hand is simply to commune with and learn from peer educators.

I will never continue to learn and grow as a teacher and I still maintain that this is a wonderful outlet for that process. That said, you can all remind me of my poor choices if I find myself once again looking for a new teaching position at the end of this year. ;)

Early Exit

We got ACCESS scores yesterday. For those of you who don't speak in terms of Bilingual Education, that means I have the numbers that decide the fate of my students for next year. The criteria determines whether or not my students will continue in the bilingual program in middle school or if they are ready to take on mainstream classes full time. My scores this year were pretty standard. Out of 18 students I am exiting three. The other 15 will stay in the bilingual programs for at least another year. Of those 15, only 6 of them were new to the United States (and therefor the English language) within the past three years. The rest have been around for their entire academic careers.

With statistics like that, it is hard not to measure your worth as an educator by the puny like number "3." I can easily rationalize the number by explaining that students whose are already behind in reading will almost always be playing the catch-up game. Also, balancing two languages, while ultimately being an asset, is a struggle during the first several years of any bilingual program (even the successful ones). Somehow, those truths were not holding much comfort yesterday.

The other silly thing is that I don't even believe in early exit. This is evidenced by the fact that I am a FIFTH grade bilingual teacher in a world where, if you look at the available jobs from other districts (just because you're curious, not discontent) you'd be hard pressed to find anything above Grade 2.

I think the point comes from the fact that teaching has become so score-driven that the pressure can seep into even the most logical mind. Apparently even mine is susceptible to defining itself by other peoples' standards. I am usually the first person to shrug off the stress of state standardized testing while everyone else is cramming and scaring the crap out of their students. I have always managed to keep myself cool with the knowledge that my students love and respect me and what we're working toward and that they will do the best that they can. I can expect or ask for nothing more.

What I really need to keep in mind is that a) THREE students were able to close the gap during the year that they spent learning from me and b) there is absolutely nothing wrong or sub par with students who continue on in a program that I fundamentally believe in!

Social Networking

Social networking is obviously a big deal nowadays. I have 5th grade students who constantly ask me if I have a facebook account. Through the blessing of privacy settings I'm granted the luxury of having a personal life without the little ones infringing upon it. But I'm not here to talk about my students' and their relationship with technology. Today I want to focus on the separation of personal and professional life.

Two years ago I left a district where the teachers there (the same ones whose baby and wedding showers I'd hosted and planned) took my need to write professionally as a personal attack and affront. Since those bitter days I have chosen to hold my online hand much closer to my chest especially in regards to my coworkers.

Now, interpersonal relationships in the workplace are tricky. I have nothing but love and respect for the people that I work amongst on a daily basis. I have found people who have opened themselves up to working and collaborating directly with the new kid (me) to the extreme benefit of our respective students. I am nothing but blessed to have wound up in the district and school that I'm in.

That said, I recently received a friend request from a coworker on facebook who is simply legitimately not my friend. I have nothing again her or her character. She has offered me help and support on more than one occasion and shares vast knowledge and perspective from the different positions she has held as a teacher. We simply have no personal relationship.

My experience has made me wary of opening up my non-school life to people who are not a part of it. Because of the open personality I have, it feels mean to intentionally shield myself but, in truth, it is probably just good common sense at this point. On the other hand, there are coworkers who I have shared a great deal of camaraderie with during the past two years. I know about their friends and families, have spent time with them in a social setting, and enjoy sharing personal victories and sometimes defeats with them on a daily basis.

The whole worlds-colliding-debacle started slowly. I agreed to a friend request from a coworker who has never demonstrated anything but good intentions toward me. That coworker had other friends from work who then found me and sent similar requests. With each agreement I enjoyed finding out about their personal lives and opinions, sharing photos, and making the occasion joke. But then...the recent request from a coworker with whom I have had no social interaction left me wondering once again if the internet is the best place to connect with people whom you need to maintain professional composure amongst.

I made the fateful choice to un-friend everyone related with my current place of business today. With each rejection I felt an almost physical loss. Then, when it was all over, I just kind of felt relieved. I'm free to continue my interactions with family and old friends AND I can choose to share my personal information judiciously with select coworkers at will and in the appropriate situation and context.

In the end I think that each person needs to do what's right for them. For me, at this point in my life, there needs to be a little healthy separation.

Fire and Spirit

I have not been teaching for a long time. To be specific, I'm in my 4th year of teaching bilingual students and only my second year of having my own classroom (before that I was doing resource). As I always try to, I have to give lots of love and mad props to anyone who teaches in a pull-out type scenario because I wouldn't trade the whole classroom experience for anything.

My experience on the day before winter break is an amazing testimonial as to why that's true for me:

Last year I had a beautiful student with a bit of a troubled soul. I certainly didn't recognize it right away, as she was always quiet and respectful, but it was there hiding under the surface ready to boil over. Apparently, the year before I had her, she missed a LOT of school. Then, with me things got better until we had a substitute. If she knew ahead of time that I would not be there, she was always absent and if she was surprised by a sub at the beginning of the day she would make an excuse about being sick and go home. Of course, this trend did not go unnoticed so I referred her to social work. Just as I had determined, however, the social worker found her to be pleasant and relatively happy and nothing really came from her visit there.

We moved on until one day something went terribly wrong. I got a call in to the office as soon as I dropped my students off at their special telling me that I was needed right away and that my little darling was in the office screaming and crying and doing her best to make her mom take her home. When I entered the office I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My lovely little child was "talkin' smack" to the principal telling her that she didn't know anything about her or care about her life and basically egging her on when she threatened to call the cops. It got to the point that I was so upset by the fact that I thought I had known this student and that she had clearly been harboring some strong anti-school feelings for so long, that I started to cry about my own failure as a teacher. Eventually my principal followed through, called the cops, and got her escorted back to class. She acted the same as she always did (scary!) and we moved on in the same way for the rest of the year.

Two weeks ago I got a call from the assistant principal at the middle school. Their sweet, though at this point struggling academically, little sixth grader was once again having an "episode." They described it to me and I explained that it had indeed happened once before. We talked for a long time about what I used to do with her, how she was successful in my classroom, and what we could do to motivate her. I was thanked for my time and left to deal with my own students while my former one was out there flailing about.

I felt like what I had done just wasn't enough. I sat down the next morning and wrote a letter to my former student explaining to her that her behavior scared the hell out of me (not in those exact words) and that she could always find support in me. I also reminded her that just because she was gone (from elementary school) didn't mean that I wasn't with her, thinking about her, checking up on her with her new bilingual teacher. And you know what, I thank God that I took the five minutes to sit down, write that letter, and send it through district mail to the middle school. Apparently she took it to heart.

On the last day before break, right after my students walked out the door, I got called down to the office. I walked in, was told that I had a visitor, turned around, and there she was! I screamed and hugged her about ten times and then I finally asked, "Oh my gosh, why are you here?!" to which she simply and emotionally replied, "Because you wrote and said to come visit you." My darling child read my words, BELIEVED them, made her mother drive her all the way to her old elementary school, and was standing before me ready to talk. It was one of the most amazing conversations of my life.

We talked about what she was struggling with, the long road ahead, and real solutions to make it better (because she won't be out of school any time soon!). She updated me on family life, my old students, and her new strategies on how she is working harder and doing better in school. I couldn't believe the transformation. I vowed then and there to write about 6 more letters (to students who she kindly ratted out about their middle school antics) and remind as many kids as possible that the caring doesn't just stop because the school year did.

This year I honestly don't have the same relationship with my students as I did last year. They don't have to struggle to stay united in the same way as my kids in the split class did. We had a special bond last year and I know (and my students know) that we aren't there yet. But I am going back into this new year (2011!) with a renewed fire and spirit. If I can create the same level of trust and support in just one of my new students, it will be worth everything.

Happy New Year!

The Hierarchy of Lesson Plans

Lesson Plans

Ugh. Just typing those words make me cringe. I have written before about my distaste for lesson plans...but it's getting worse as the years go by.

This weekend I made a choice. I got a new student last week right before Thanksgiving break. He comes from Guatemala and doesn't speak a word of English. I have one day this weekend that isn't full of family-holiday-filled-fun. That would be today. In this time I am supposed to create all of the very specific materials that will be necessary in teaching my new child English while continuing the education and progress of my much more English-proficient students (aka the rest of them). For the first time in my life, I chucked the lesson plans and have spent the day getting materials ready. Let me tell you, I've never felt more prepared.

The lesson plans still have to get done because, in my district, we are required to turn them in at the end of the year (gross, right?) And that's where the burn-out comes in. I'll figure out how to combat that another day. For now, I choose classroom readiness ANY DAY.

Odds are, if you're a good teacher you will be following state standards in any lesson that you teach. If a teacher actually needs to waste (er...spend?) their time writing out step-by-step processes for each and every part of the day, then teaching does not come naturally to them and may not even be the best choice of career for them. All I know is that lesson plans make me feel like a robot, and I'm one of the most organized, planner-type, structure-loving people I know.

My personal hierarchy when it comes to the most important things in preparing for teaching:

1. materials and resources for the students
2. writing about teaching and receiving feedback for professional growth
3. Formal Lesson Plans *shudder*

The Choices That We Make...

"The choices that you make affect you!"

This phrase can be heard coming out of my mouth in my classroom more than once a day every day. It is usually in response to a gripe about negative consequences. It can also be my answer to a student who complains that a friend no longer likes them or that someone send something mean back to them. Something that my children are severely confused about is the fact that the things they do and choices they make affect others and therefore will come back to directly affect them.

Something that I'd like to focus on in the coming weeks is "The choices we make affect us, EVEN and especially the GOOD choices."

I wrote a while back that I have taken on the task of learning Italian. It was a choice that I made based on a series of choices I made before it (such as the choice to stay in a relationship with someone who is in the Navy and stationed in Italy for three whole years). Yesterday I fired up the Rosetta Stone and got to work after a two month hiatus. As I struggled through grammar points and new vocabulary I started to formulate connections between what I know of French and Spanish. Even with those connections, learning a language it hard and there were several times when I would have rather just turned off the computer and fired up the television (it is Thanksgiving break after all)! Instead I made another choice: to stick with it.

I was confronted with a few important points during my language learning adventure. First, the choice that I made to learn languages in middle school and high school shaped the direction that my life took in college and beyond. Then, the choice to continue to learn about languages and cultures has made me a more valuable commodity in our society, especially in regards to the job market. Finally, the choice to learn languages beyond the comfortable and safe language that helps me survive in our country every day, teaches me a tiny little bit of the frustration that my students feel on a daily basis when they arrive in this country and subsequently my classroom. Having that understanding makes me decidedly better at what I do.

A New Direction

It's possible that some of my teacher friends will be turned off by my writing taking a slightly different direction (or at least adding to my current direction), but I've started to realize that most of my passion for teaching comes from a greater passion for human rights, languages, and immigration. I think part of what truly connects me with my bilingual students and their parents is a certain level of empathy for being thrown into an entirely new and scary situation and not just surviving, but finding ways to thrive.

So as to not scare or offend, I will not be writing about immigration issues that involve who should be allowed into what country. I frankly don't have enough political knowledge (though I am always eager to learn more!) to speak from a place of great confidence. What I do know is that the immigrant families I work with every day work hard, put their children/families first, and deserve every opportunity that our monolingual students receive. I'm blessed and honored to see the world from their perspective and I learn something new from their struggles and successes every day!

Bravery

Some days you are lucky enough not even to have words to express the pride you feel in being a teacher and everything that entails. Today was one of those days.

I lobbied pretty hard this year to get my bilingual students integrated with a monolingual class this year. Luckily one of the teachers on my team who is far more wise and experienced than I amazingly and graciously opened her arms to our classroom and has been collaborating with me to make these kids feel included ever since.

We chose the subject area of social studies because we felt that it would leave lots of opportunities for collaborative projects and give the students with more background knowledge a chance to impart what they know. For the past month my children have been joining with their buddies to research and create a PowerPoint based on one of the original thirteen colonies. Throughout these meetings I have had the brief opportunity here and there to look around and see just how amazingly accepting this particular group of fifth graders have really been. Everywhere you looked you could find small people huddled together over a book or computer asking and sharing and TRULY working together.

Today was the culminating activity where my fantastic co-teacher popped popcorn, I brought the 100% juice, and our kids sat back to watch the final presentations. It takes all of my students (and all students in general) a certain amount of courage to stand up in front of a room of 40 people. But when I lost it (and I mean really lost it with tears and everything) was after my newcomer stood up after having lived only 3 months in the United States and delivered a presentation IN English under the encouragement of his partner. We clapped for the group but then I called out my students name and the students clapped again wildly while cheering their support at the amazingly brave accomplishment. Another of my students followed a few presentations later. He was new at the end of last year and has been in the United States for only 8 months. Even more, he spent his entire young life in an abusive family situation and has spent months in my class learning basic appropriate responses and classroom behavior. He stood up in front of everyone, struggled through every single word in English, and did not give up or get defeated once. My entire class stood up after his presentation in support of the difficulty that we had all just watched him face.

Have You Filled A Bucket Today?

I'm not sure how I manage to be the only teacher I know whose teaching experience gets MORE stressful year after year, but it may have something to do with never having had the same job description twice.

That said, it may also have something to do with the insane behavior problems that my current group of miscreants display on a regular basis. This week I received an e-mail from my assistant principal asking to meet after school about some of the "disturbing interactions" that have been occurring between my 5th graders and the 2nd graders during recess.

I will not defend my children this year (though why they are placed in the same place at the same time and given the opportunity to influence 2nd graders, I'll never understand). As a whole, they can act mean to the point of malicious, snotty, and spoiled. Every day is an exercise in trying out parenting the way that I hope to do it someday. It is about character development around the clock in our classroom and it is and uphill battle.

So, I'm not going to defend my students...but I do feel like they are in a crap situation. Because of our bilingual reading schedule my 5th graders eat lunch with 2nd and 4th graders. Their classroom is in the 3rd grade hallway. There is not a single second of the day when they are not the oldest students around (and therefor responsible for being a positive influence ALL the time.) Our classroom motto this year: "Be the example."

My students have demonstrated to me time and time again that that is a task that is far to daunting for them. So, thanks to a great suggestion from one of our 1st grade teachers, I decided to break it down for them. Every week we have a classroom C.A.R.E. meeting. I always open it up as a time for students to share their concerns and celebrate their successes. This week, however, after the amount of time I wasted meeting about their behavior and worrying about it int he evenings while they were happily oblivious at home with their families, I decided it was my turn to talk and let them know exactly how things are going to be from now on.

I read the book "Have You Filled A Bucket Today?" to my students. It is a VERY primary book about how each person carries an invisible bucket that is filled by positive comments and good feelings and emptied when someone tears you down and tries to take away your self esteem. It is a VERY good book, but I purposefully made my students feel less-than-cool about the fact that I had to read it to them because they've basically been acting like kindergartners and I was making a point by bringing things down to their level.

I then went about stripping them of their current behavior plan. Rewards in my class will no longer be earned by how smart you are or how much you try academically or how quiet you are in the halls. The only thing that matters is the kind of person you are and how you make other people feel. So I told my children that THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR FILLING THE BUCKET. The choice is theirs. If I hear that they are building people up at recess and being generally good citizens, it will make me feel happy and proud...and we'll put some marbles in the bucket. If they go the extra mile and help teach someone else, translate for a newcomer, or share something...I'll notice and the bucket will get fuller. When they've filled the entire bucket, only then will they have something to celebrate.

But the book warns about "bucket dippers" as well. Those are the people who try to tear someone else down to make themselves feel better. Their buckets are empty and so too with our classroom bucket be. It's time for my students to step up and take responsibility for their actions. There are two signs up on the walls, one as the students enter the classroom each day and the other sitting above the bucket. They say simply "Have you filled a bucket today?"

We'll see how this goes.

The Future is NOW

I think a lot about the future. I wonder about and hope for the things that will happen, the things that I haven't yet done or acquired, the direction I really want my life to go in. I think lately that train of though has actually been interfering with the way in which I live out the present, the here and now.

I've talked a lot about how teachers aren't really allowed the luxury of having bad days because we are standing up there in front of those kids day after day. But that's not really true. We DO have bad days. There are times when we walk into that classroom halfheartedly and don't give it our very best effort. It's nobody's fault and I'm not saying it's wrong. We're people and we have emotions and that's just life.

I think the problem comes when we start to look so far into the future that we're not giving our attention to what happens in front of our faces every day as we wait for the future to arrive. There is an entire group of little people for whom you have a very finite amount of time to positively affect. You get one year, that's it. Not even a full year...what? 9 1/2 months? That's almost scary to think about because there is SO much that I want to offer these kids both academically and emotionally. But if I am wasting some of that time brooding and hoping and basically keeping my head so far out of the game that I'm not helping anyone, I have only myself to blame.

My job is to be a teacher. I don't get a second chance next year. Why? Because all kids are not the same. You can't just swap them out and get a re-do. You mess us this time, that's a whole year that those students don't get back. Basically, the whole point of this post is re-commitment. I'm not quite sure what it will take, but I have a great belief that the future and my hopes for it will be realized. It's what I do in the meantime that counts. I have an opportunity every day and I can't imagine anything more precious than that (different yes, but not better).

Uh Oh...I Think Your Personality is Showing

I have made mention several times (to friends and family) over the past 5 weeks that I believe I'm destined to only last two years in any given school district before I stop being polite and start getting real. (yes, I stole that line)

You see, on your first year in any new place you are worried about looking nice and friendly, being cooperative, and generally just giving everyone a reason for why they hired you. Especially as a new teacher you take on any project offered up and just really overextend yourself in the name of looking good. I have found that on the second year, everything that bugged you about the first years starts to slip out in dozens of tiny ways. You start to have a little bit more ownership of your classroom and your place within the school, you know people better and are therefor more careless in casual conversation, and sometimes you are just plain tired of some of the rules and procedures that you just can't determine who they're benefiting.

Even I realize that this is starting to make me sound like a nonconformist jerk. Who knows, maybe I am. Truthfully though, I don't dislike my school or my district. In fact, I have nothing but respectful things to say when it comes to trying to make you feel included and supported, and the resources going directly to benefit the children EVERY time just blows my socks off. There is a lot that other districts (waves at my old friends) can learn from this one. So rest assured that this is not all doom and gloom.

But to be a realistic teacher is to know that any system could use improvements and that motivation should constantly be reevaluated. Just as teachers need workshops and inservice days to continually learn and grow, our intentions must grown and change to meet the needs of our students. Because I can't tell you how many times I would have loved to scrap a high-energy, material-rich, content infused lesson for a day of coloring pictures for your grandmother (because that would be SO much easier, and I was tired!)

So, coming back to my point, I've started to say things. And you know, they always come out in the worst possible way when you've been holding them in for far too long.

I guess what I've realized and what I need to work to become a part of, is that no matter where you are and what district you're in, new teachers have valuable insight and so much to offer. That's why they were hired in such a competitive market. So what I would ask for is an environment where teachers felt comfortable sharing in a professional way from the beginning. For me at least, it might have alleviated 4 years of foot-in-mouth moments when I didn't feel like I could or should stir the waters until it was too late and too frustrating to not have ineloquent frustrations explode from my lips.

"We're Going to the Institute."

Institute Day was on Monday. The powers-at-be decided to go the route of "entertain" instead of "bore and annoy." For this I was grateful. They hired a comedian who can be seen on a local news show in our area. She was not only funny, but poignant. She talked about laughter as the best medicine, learning to laugh at yourself, and killing them with kindness. As someone who was way-too-stressed about starting a new school year for reasons-still-to-be-determined, they were lessons that I heartily needed.

Many bad things happened on our institute day. According to the comedian, how could they not, we call it an "INSTITUTE day." She made an unflattering voice meant to indicate that there was something wrong with us (probably not too far off) and said, "Bye honey! I going off to the INSTITUTE." A fair point.

Some good things happened on the institute day too, but they were all done by my own will and hard work, and only to counteract all of the bad that kept creeping up. In fact, I took a page from the comedian's book and spent the afternoon proactively killing them with kindness.

I came to school knowing that I was unprepared and that my heart wasn't in it this year. I also came to school with my game face on and I don't think anyone around me pays close enough attention to think that I was anything other than positive about the impending doom (I mean...joy?). I can't pinpoint for you why I'm not ready to be Suzy-Sunshine this year. I had a whole summer to figure it out and I'm still sitting her stewing about how I'd rather that things turn out and where I'd rather be. But enough of the that.

The point is that I walked into school and disaster after disaster started to strike. Heck, things that could have been prevented if anyone was LISTENING at the end of last year were all of a sudden major issues again. Instead of just sitting in my room and crying, I kept walking out and communicating with people. Even the people who shut me down got some extra visits and some positive problem solving. It was the biggest success of the day that something in me motivated me to keep walking into coworkers room and trying to rectify situations.

The one thing that I kept saying in order to present a positive front was the word "get" instead of the word "have." I asked when I GET to start my reading groups and when we GET to see our revised student lists and whether I would GET to teach my student again who was supposed to be moving at the end of last year. The difference? "When do I HAVE to start up my reading groups? When do I HAVE to look at that awful list full of extra students I didn't plan for? When do I HAVE to find out that I'm teaching that kid again instead of sending him packing and knowing that my workload will be one person lighter?" Even if you're faking it (and I seriously do ADORE that student that came back to me) you start to sound better, and then I think you start to feel better. It's a crazy thing but our mind is very malleable that way.

I guess it comes down to attitude. The bad things that seem to continuously throw us off our game? They're gonna happen! It's how you choose to deal with them that sets the pace for how your year is going to shape up to be.

Tenure...dun dun duhhhh

When thinking about going back to school, I have a horrible time NOT making negative predictions about how things might go. Obviously some of my projections for the future are rooted in past experience, i.e. how it always goes. But some of the crazy stuff that my mind concocts both in dreams and waking hours is just pure nerve-inspired BS.

Or is it?

I was having the dreaded "tenure" conversation with a friend/coworker the other day. The teachers I know personally are all in various stages of the tenure game. Some have been tenured forever and have started to take liberties whenever it moves them. Another of my friends is spending her first year in tenure after successfully completing her first day of the new school year. Another is halfway there. And then there's me. Starting at the bottom. Again.

I tend to be kind of nonchalant about the fact that the illusive concept of tenure won't be gracing my doorstep anytime soon. I mean if I do my job and work hard, what will it matter if I'm not tenured? Right?

Right?

That's just it, the very reason the conversation of tenure is dreaded. The truth is, the climate amongst your peers and administration can be almost suffocating when you are a non-tenured teacher. (I always assumed that some of the tension might ease up once you're not being observed so constantly and your job is not in continual peril, but maybe those of you teachers who are tenured can correct me.) You walk around feeling genuine feelings and carrying genuine opinions and you are TOLD on a consistent basis to shut you mouth, smile pretty, and fly under the radar. And it happens all of the time.

But oh my gosh who is holding the radar gun and why is it so low to the ground that it is almost impossible to fly under?!?! The idea that teachers would be hired to be professionals, the experts in their field, and then told to keep their mouths closed for 4 years (while their great fresh-from-college techniques fly straight out the window and their naive love/excitement for the children slowly burns out) is just insane to me!

Going back to my intro, part of my delusional fear for the upcoming year has to do with that eerie feeling of being watched and judged rather than admired and congratulated. Now I'm not saying I want a parade for every success (ok I secretly do, but I don't expect them or anything). I just want to feel like I can do something unique without peoples' hearts palpitating with worry about innovative/independent ideas that many seem so threatened by. I want to feel like I can fail with an authority figure IN THE ROOM and they'll write it off to a bad day because everyone has them. I know and am fulling accepting of the fact that someone needs to keep me accountable because what I do is vitally important. But after knowing me, watching me, understanding that I live out that comprehension through word and deed, it shouldn't be something that I'm afraid is constantly in question.

Light the Fire

In the summer everything is just one long, "I can do it tomorrow, right?" Well friends, my school is starting a week early this year to match out schedule more closely to local colleges (don't ask me why) which cuts our summer down by...well...one week.

In the grand scheme of things, this won' t matter. To a girl who is realizing that she was going to map out ALL of the 5th grade curriculum PLUS learn and create dynamic lessons (many of which must include technology) for an entirely new social studied curriculum, I could use every last day. (Apparently I'm starting to feel the pressure because there were a lot of capital words in that rather long last sentence.)

I suppose the last sentence isn't even really fair because, well, I haven't been using my days well at all. I actually started the summer strong (leftover momentum from the school year?) creating the outline and table for the year-long picture of how things would ideally shake out for us this year. But now, a month and a half in, there it sits: a simple shell asking to have it's colorful squares filled in with more specific details. And the manuals I brought home to learn the new curriculum so I could actually know something AHEAD of the students this year (instead of learning it with them like I often do), ummm...I believe those actually got rained on at one point when the window was open.

I suppose this isn't actually a very inspired post but, GOOD NEWS #1: I'm writing, which is always a good sign of motivation and GOOD NEWS #2: If you haven't gotten anything done this summer, you're not alone!

Learning Language

I am a huge proponent of putting yourself in your student's shoes on a semi-regular basis so that you can reach them at their level. I have been given just such an experience (on a much less urgent level) this summer.

My lovely and talented significant other serves as a Navy medic and has recently been stationed in Italy for the next three years. Now nobody can predict the future, least of all me (I tried that once...didn't work out), but I got to thinking that three years is a long time. And hey, you never know when you might find yourself in Italy. I made a promise to myself that, while I had some extra time this summer, I would go about the long and strenuous task of learning another language (Italian this time).

Learning a language "for fun" is very different from learning it for necessity (though one could argue that it might become necessary at some point). I know this because I was thrown into a living situation in Mexico after having only studied Spanish for 2 1/2 years at that point and forced to speak in order to survive. That was indeed the sink or swim method and I had the "luxury" of having at least SOME background in the language prior to being immersed in it.

But the way in which my learning Italian challenges me to think like my kids has less to do with survival (and the totally alienating feeling of being in a place where nobody understands you) and much more to do with the way in which language is learned. For me, everything that I've been doing has been an experiment in how language is learned best and how I can take that and translate it into what I do in the classroom with my own bilingual students (in fact, this would be pertinent for any teacher who teaches English, writing, or reading as well).

What I've found will be hard to replicate. The most perfect way of learning language involves repetition, pictures, building up from smaller concepts, and (as I always suspected) using knowledge from your first language. That's right! If people still want to have the same tired English-only argument, I'm in a position now to argue even harder for even longer.

It has always been that the newcomer students I have had who came to the country with a solid education in their native language have BLOWN ME AWAY by the amount of English that they learn in a year's time (with Spanish support, yeah that's right). It is when students have no/little foundation in language at all that the battle is truly uphill. In that case, you might as well through them in head first because they're starting at a pre-school level anyway (but even that is not true, because they still have verbal Spanish and have spent their lives exposed to Spanish text).

As committed as I am to the idea of bilingual education (and I better be, it's my job) I am learning that there are better ways to include the primary language in the classroom that actually stretch a student to use what they know to infer meaning. I'm glad that, even if I never see Italy, my commitment to language will never be in vain when it comes to what I can learn and apply for my students.

We're Learning Too

Sometimes something happens in life that is so big that you can never fully get back the person you were before it happened. In short, the event changes you. If the event is epic enough it can hit you like a tidal wave even from three or four degrees of separation (instead of the ripple you might feel after an event of a smaller magnitude.) It has been said that teachers have to be more flexible and adaptable than most. I don't know if that's true. On my worst days I can be downright rigid and unmovable in my demands (I know, *gasp*) It is probably more apt to say that GOOD teachers are adaptive and flexible when it counts.

Out of so much respect for someone near and dear to me, I won't divulge the epic catastrophe that lead to this post after such a lengthy summer slumber. I will however say that in teaching, just like in life, we are faced with obstacles. Some are insurmountable, whether it be because of an unyielding administrator, a student's home life that we can not control, or a need for resources beyond our grasp. Sometimes the challenge is great and we are so very small. In those times we are in dark days, persevering by rote if nothing else. It is in the days after when we wash back up on shore and are given a chance to rebuild that really count.

The question to ask yourself: What did I learn from it? (or) How can I change? (or) What will I take with me to make myself/the situation better (or the outcome different) in the future?

In short, all of those college professors who annoyed us with their continued demands for "self reflection" were not wrong. But that is only half of the component. Sometimes I am SO in my head about things after they occur and I get a million ideas about "woulda coulda shoulda." But then I sulk in my afterthough and call it a day. The impetous is the call to make a change. Because something inside of you has already changed. You realized that things were not good/right/fair/awesome and that if you had the chance, you would invoke a "do-over." Well friends, after you realize that, you gotta put your chips back on the table and DO OVER. Jump into life again with your new knowledge and wisdom and show everyone you actually learned something.

In summary: Process it however you like. Blog it, tweet it, text it, journal it, verbally rehash it, whatever. Just reflect AND THEN MAKE A CHANGE. Because if you don't learn from it, then all of the pain and heartache that you experienced in your moment of trial was for nothing. And some things are just too big to have occurred in vain.

Teachin' Teach

Teaching is teaching. That's what this summer has taught me above all else.

The dynamics between teaching adults and children are different for sure (have I mentioned that they actually LISTEN and do things the first time you tell them to?) but the major themes/concepts remain the same.

The volunteer program that we've been given to work with this summer is interesting. There are definitely aspects that I will steal to use with my own bilingual students (mostly newcomers) during the regular school year (most of which involve acting things out and having students interview each other to practice new sentence structures). There are other aspects, however, that just make me want to shake my head at the university professor who developed the program.

To summarize, so as not to belabor the unimportant, the first several lessons introduce vocabulary and verbs in the form of commands. The words and actions correspond with picture stories that will not actually be seen by my students until 10 lessons from now. That's right, all of the work and effort that we're putting into learning and teaching this information is completely without context. Now I don't know if anyone is tired of me and my soap box when it comes to this point, but here I go again: LEARNING TAKES PLACE WHEN DIRECTLY RELATED TO REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS THAT STUDENTS HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN. In short, if something has no meaning, it will not be retained.

Something about teaching students who have very pressing real-life issues (like adults tend to) with jobs and children and finances (to say the least) who are willing to still take time out of their schedules to learn something new and difficult REALLY drives the point home. The words "star, coins, fish, gift, and book" do not mean a damn thing without meaningful context with which to use them.

This time, in order to in some way remedy the situation, I took the coins out and extended the lesson, having the students learn and practice the individual names of each coin and their respective denominations. Not only did the students enjoy practicing asking for and handing out money in English, but they talked about how it would make their interactions both personally and at retail establishments so much more comprehensible. And thank heavens, because that was the goal!

The problem comes along when I am inevitably given information the I can't think of how to logically connect to anything substantial. OR, when other volunteers who are extremely well-intentioned but have no teaching background do not think to improvise. I hate the idea of wasting peoples' time when everything in my training tells me that there's a better way to get things done. Crazy teacher mind.